Burnout and trying to Do Too Much

10 Jul, 2026

I think I’ve been spreading myself too thin. The indie/retro/small web movement is something that is very exciting to me! However, I find that I keep going from one shiny object to the next. There’s this mindset that I need to cement my identity before engaging with anyone else, that I need to have a backlog of all of these different pieces set up. I’ve been constantly splitting up my attention.

I started a One Big Text File ¹ on my phone, which has helped me a lot with writing short snippets. There’s a lot of use I’ve been getting out of it: I save links, sometimes with my thoughts on them, I write out ideas for posts and projects, I've even drafted the beginnings of a blog post. Along with writing in my daily journal I carry with me everywhere, I’ve been writing more now than ever before.

However, I still feel like I’m not doing enough. I have all of these written words, so why haven’t I published anything on my blog lately? Even working on the toxic yuri game has fallen by the wayside, as it became stressful instead of fun. It feels like I’m spinning my gears with nothing to show for it.

It wasn't until I was venting about a minor irritation to a friend that I realized I haven't been taking care of myself.

"im just stressing about work stuff
it's mainly bc i didn't get enough sleep last night and i forgot to eat dinner and i barely ate my breakfast and i haven't gone to lunch yet
wow typing all that out sounds horrible"

Life feels overwhelming right now. There's so many things I want to do, that I need to do, that I'm not doing. I keep convincing myself that I just gotta try harder, find a system that will work, that I can do it all if I just figure it out. And usually, I work well when I have a system! But as soon as something deviates from what I have carefully planned out, everything comes crashing down around me. I suppose I need to learn to be more flexible, but it’s difficult with a consistently low battery.

Coming to terms with using the word “disabled” has been hard. I feel guilty sometimes describing myself that way. On the outside I seem functional, I can do my job, I’ve lost weight ², I’m becoming more active. There isn’t anything to point to as a reason behind why my body is constantly in pain—just a trail of clues that lead to inconclusive results, no matter how many times I go to the doctor.

Living with chronic pain makes everything take a little more energy; my brain has to spend a baseline amount to silence the constant pain signals. I also have to be aware of if I’m just having “normal” pain or if something more serious is going on. Pain becomes another fact of life, and I forget that not everyone lives in that reality.

So I’m more hard on myself than I should be. I look at myself and I hear a voice telling me to stop being a pansy. This is life, and I have to live it. Everyone else can, so why can’t I?

That voice has been louder as of late. There’s a cycle of Good Pain Days and Bad Pain Days, and unfortunately I’ve been on the worse end of things. I know this will pass. I know the things that help me manage the pain. Having a laundry list of other complicating factors doesn’t make it easy though. ADHD brain makes me forget things, autism brain makes me have a meltdown, and depression brain makes me wallow in sadness.

I’m very grateful to be able to depend on the support systems around me. That’s part of what makes me feel guilty, though. It feels like I don’t deserve the help, because theoretically I could do everything myself. I’m constantly comparing myself to this idealized version of me. The version of me that’s not disabled, I suppose.

I ruminate on what the outside world thinks about me. It’s this detached view of myself that’s killing me. I’m terrified of being seen as some girl who’s cosplaying disability.

So where do we go from here?

There’s a lot in my life I can’t control. But there’s also a lot of things I can. I need to celebrate my wins louder than I mourn my losses. The fact that I’m writing, that I now have a space on the internet to tend to as my own, makes me feel fulfilled.

It’s not a moral failing to need more help to function in daily life. I know this in my heart, even if my mind won’t let me accept it for myself sometimes.

For now, I’m taking care of myself, with help from my loved ones. I’m working on treating myself better, with more kindness and grace. One foot in front of the other. I have to ride the energy waves as they come, focus on one thing at a time.